暖暖内含光

在Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 里引用了一些quotations 其中一首诗的一段 作为朦胧的启发点
现在把这首长诗贴出来 来自Alexander Pope的Eloisa to Abelard

In these deep solitudes and awful cells,
    Where heav'nly-pensive contemplation dwells,
    And ever-musing melancholy reigns;
    What means this tumult in a vestal's veins?
    Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
    Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?
    Yet, yet I love!—From Abelard it came,
    And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.

        Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal'd,
  Nor pass these lips in holy silence seal'd.
  Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
  Where mix'd with God's, his lov'd idea lies:
  O write it not, my hand—the name appears
  Already written—wash it out, my tears!
  In vain lost Eloisa weeps and prays,
  Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.

      Relentless walls! whose darksome round contains
  Repentant sighs, and voluntary pains:
  Ye rugged rocks! which holy knees have worn;
  Ye grots and caverns shagg'd with horrid thorn!
  Shrines! where their vigils pale-ey'd virgins keep,
  And pitying saints, whose statues learn to weep!
  Though cold like you, unmov'd, and silent grown,
  I have not yet forgot myself to stone.
  All is not Heav'n's while Abelard has part,
  Still rebel nature holds out half my heart;
  Nor pray'rs nor fasts its stubborn pulse restrain,
  Nor tears, for ages, taught to flow in vain.

      Soon as thy letters trembling I unclose,
  That well-known name awakens all my woes.
  Oh name for ever sad! for ever dear!
  Still breath'd in sighs, still usher'd with a tear.
  I tremble too, where'er my own I find,
  Some dire misfortune follows close behind.
  Line after line my gushing eyes o'erflow,
  Led through a sad variety of woe:
  Now warm in love, now with'ring in thy bloom,
  Lost in a convent's solitary gloom!
  There stern religion quench'd th' unwilling flame,
  There died the best of passions, love and fame.

      Yet write, oh write me all, that I may join
  Griefs to thy griefs, and echo sighs to thine.
  Nor foes nor fortune take this pow'r away;
  And is my Abelard less kind than they?
  Tears still are mine, and those I need not spare,
  Love but demands what else were shed in pray'r;
  No happier task these faded eyes pursue;
  To read and weep is all they now can do.

      Then share thy pain, allow that sad relief;
  Ah, more than share it! give me all thy grief.
  Heav'n first taught letters for some wretch's aid,
  Some banish'd lover, or some captive maid;
  They live, they speak, they breathe what love inspires,
  Warm from the soul, and faithful to its fires,
  The virgin's wish without her fears impart,
  Excuse the blush, and pour out all the heart,
  Speed the soft intercourse from soul to soul,
  And waft a sigh from Indus to the Pole.

      Thou know'st how guiltless first I met thy flame,
    When Love approach'd me under Friendship's name;
  My fancy form'd thee of angelic kind,
  Some emanation of th' all-beauteous Mind.
  Those smiling eyes, attemp'ring ev'ry day,
  Shone sweetly lambent with celestial day.
  Guiltless I gaz'd; heav'n listen'd while you sung;
  And truths divine came mended from that tongue.
  From lips like those what precept fail'd to move?
  Too soon they taught me 'twas no sin to love.
  Back through the paths of pleasing sense I ran,
  Nor wish'd an Angel whom I lov'd a Man.
  Dim and remote the joys of saints I see;
  Nor envy them, that heav'n I lose for thee.

      How oft, when press'd to marriage, have I said,
  Curse on all laws but those which love has made!
  Love, free as air, at sight of human ties,
  Spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies,
  Let wealth, let honour, wait the wedded dame,
  August her deed, and sacred be her fame;
  Before true passion all those views remove,
  Fame, wealth, and honour! what are you to Love?
  The jealous God, when we profane his fires,
  Those restless passions in revenge inspires;
  And bids them make mistaken mortals groan,
  Who seek in love for aught but love alone.
  Should at my feet the world's great master fall,
  Himself, his throne, his world, I'd scorn 'em all:
  Not Caesar's empress would I deign to prove;
  No, make me mistress to the man I love;
  If there be yet another name more free,
  More fond than mistress, make me that to thee!
  Oh happy state! when souls each other draw,
  When love is liberty, and nature, law:
  All then is full, possessing, and possess'd,
  No craving void left aching in the breast:
  Ev'n thought meets thought, ere from the lips it part,
  And each warm wish springs mutual from the heart.
  This sure is bliss (if bliss on earth there be)
  And once the lot of Abelard and me.

      Alas, how chang'd! what sudden horrors rise!
  A naked lover bound and bleeding lies!
  Where, where was Eloise? her voice, her hand,
  Her poniard, had oppos'd the dire command.
  Barbarian, stay! that bloody stroke restrain;
  The crime was common, common be the pain.
  I can no more; by shame, by rage suppress'd,
  Let tears, and burning blushes speak the rest.

    Canst thou forget that sad, that solemn day,
  When victims at yon altar's foot we lay?
  Canst thou forget what tears that moment fell,
  When, warm in youth, I bade the world farewell?
  As with cold lips I kiss'd the sacred veil,
  The shrines all trembl'd, and the lamps grew pale:
  Heav'n scarce believ'd the conquest it survey'd,
  And saints with wonder heard the vows I made.
  Yet then, to those dread altars as I drew,
  Not on the Cross my eyes were fix'd, but you:
  Not grace, or zeal, love only was my call,
  And if I lose thy love, I lose my all.
  Come! with thy looks, thy words, relieve my woe;
  Those still at least are left thee to bestow.
  Still on that breast enamour'd let me lie,
  Still drink delicious poison from thy eye,
  Pant on thy lip, and to thy heart be press'd;
  Give all thou canst—and let me dream the rest.
  Ah no! instruct me other joys to prize,
  With other beauties charm my partial eyes,
  Full in my view set all the bright abode,
  And make my soul quit Abelard for God.

    Ah, think at least thy flock deserves thy care,
  Plants of thy hand, and children of thy pray'r.
  From the false world in early youth they fled,
  By thee to mountains, wilds, and deserts led.
  You rais'd these hallow'd walls; the desert smil'd,
  And Paradise was open'd in the wild.
  No weeping orphan saw his father's stores
  Our shrines irradiate, or emblaze the floors;
  No silver saints, by dying misers giv'n,
  Here brib'd the rage of ill-requited heav'n:
  But such plain roofs as piety could raise,
  And only vocal with the Maker's praise.
  In these lone walls (their days eternal bound)
  These moss-grown domes with spiry turrets crown'd,
  Where awful arches make a noonday night,
  And the dim windows shed a solemn light;
  Thy eyes diffus'd a reconciling ray,
  And gleams of glory brighten'd all the day.
  But now no face divine contentment wears,
  'Tis all blank sadness, or continual tears.
  See how the force of others' pray'rs I try,
  (O pious fraud of am'rous charity!)
  But why should I on others' pray'rs depend?
  Come thou, my father, brother, husband, friend!
  Ah let thy handmaid, sister, daughter move,
  And all those tender names in one, thy love!
  The darksome pines that o'er yon rocks reclin'd
  Wave high, and murmur to the hollow wind,
  The wand'ring streams that shine between the hills,
  The grots that echo to the tinkling rills,
  The dying gales that pant upon the trees,
  The lakes that quiver to the curling breeze;
  No more these scenes my meditation aid,
  Or lull to rest the visionary maid.
  But o'er the twilight groves and dusky caves,
  Long-sounding aisles, and intermingled graves,
  Black Melancholy sits, and round her throws
  A death-like silence, and a dread repose:
  Her gloomy presence saddens all the scene,
  Shades ev'ry flow'r, and darkens ev'ry green,
  Deepens the murmur of the falling floods,
  And breathes a browner horror on the woods.

    Yet here for ever, ever must I stay;
  Sad proof how well a lover can obey!
  Death, only death, can break the lasting chain;
  And here, ev'n then, shall my cold dust remain,
  Here all its frailties, all its flames resign,
  And wait till 'tis no sin to mix with thine.

    Ah wretch! believ'd the spouse of God in vain,
  Confess'd within the slave of love and man.
  Assist me, Heav'n! but whence arose that pray'r?
  Sprung it from piety, or from despair?
  Ev'n here, where frozen chastity retires,
  Love finds an altar for forbidden fires.
  I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;
  I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;
  I view my crime, but kindle at the view,
  Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;
  Now turn'd to Heav'n, I weep my past offence,
  Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.
  Of all affliction taught a lover yet,
  'Tis sure the hardest science to forget!
  How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
  And love th' offender, yet detest th' offence?
  How the dear object from the crime remove,
  Or how distinguish penitence from love?
  Unequal task! a passion to resign,
  For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine.
  Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
  How often must it love, how often hate!
  How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
  Conceal, disdain—do all things but forget.
  But let Heav'n seize it, all at once 'tis fir'd;
  Not touch'd, but rapt; not waken'd, but inspir'd!
  Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
  Renounce my love, my life, myself—and you.
  Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he
  Alone can rival, can succeed to thee.

    How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
  The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
  Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
  Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
  Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
  "Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
  Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
  Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
  Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
  And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
  For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
  And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
  For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
  For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
  To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
  And melts in visions of eternal day.

    Far other dreams my erring soul employ,
  Far other raptures, of unholy joy:
  When at the close of each sad, sorrowing day,
  Fancy restores what vengeance snatch'd away,
  Then conscience sleeps, and leaving nature free,
  All my loose soul unbounded springs to thee.
  Oh curs'd, dear horrors of all-conscious night!
  How glowing guilt exalts the keen delight!
  Provoking Daemons all restraint remove,
  And stir within me every source of love.
  I hear thee, view thee, gaze o'er all thy charms,
  And round thy phantom glue my clasping arms.
  I wake—no more I hear, no more I view,
  The phantom flies me, as unkind as you.
  I call aloud; it hears not what I say;
  I stretch my empty arms; it glides away.
  To dream once more I close my willing eyes;
  Ye soft illusions, dear deceits, arise!
  Alas, no more—methinks we wand'ring go
  Through dreary wastes, and weep each other's woe,
  Where round some mould'ring tower pale ivy creeps,
  And low-brow'd rocks hang nodding o'er the deeps.
  Sudden you mount, you beckon from the skies;
  Clouds interpose, waves roar, and winds arise.
  I shriek, start up, the same sad prospect find,
  And wake to all the griefs I left behind.

    For thee the fates, severely kind, ordain
  A cool suspense from pleasure and from pain;
  Thy life a long, dead calm of fix'd repose;
  No pulse that riots, and no blood that glows.
  Still as the sea, ere winds were taught to blow,
  Or moving spirit bade the waters flow;
  Soft as the slumbers of a saint forgiv'n,
  And mild as opening gleams of promis'd heav'n.

    Come, Abelard! for what hast thou to dread?
  The torch of Venus burns not for the dead.
  Nature stands check'd; Religion disapproves;
  Ev'n thou art cold—yet Eloisa loves.
  Ah hopeless, lasting flames! like those that burn
  To light the dead, and warm th' unfruitful urn.

    What scenes appear where'er I turn my view?
  The dear ideas, where I fly, pursue,
  Rise in the grove, before the altar rise,
  Stain all my soul, and wanton in my eyes.
  I waste the matin lamp in sighs for thee,
  Thy image steals between my God and me,
  Thy voice I seem in ev'ry hymn to hear,
  With ev'ry bead I drop too soft a tear.
  When from the censer clouds of fragrance roll,
  And swelling organs lift the rising soul,
  One thought of thee puts all the pomp to flight,
  Priests, tapers, temples, swim before my sight:
  In seas of flame my plunging soul is drown'd,
  While altars blaze, and angels tremble round.

    While prostrate here in humble grief I lie,
  Kind, virtuous drops just gath'ring in my eye,
  While praying, trembling, in the dust I roll,
  And dawning grace is op'ning on my soul:
  Come, if thou dar'st, all charming as thou art!
  Oppose thyself to Heav'n; dispute my heart;
  Come, with one glance of those deluding eyes
  Blot out each bright idea of the skies;
  Take back that grace, those sorrows, and those tears;
  Take back my fruitless penitence and pray'rs;
  Snatch me, just mounting, from the blest abode;
  Assist the fiends, and tear me from my God!

    No, fly me, fly me, far as pole from pole;
  Rise Alps between us! and whole oceans roll!
  Ah, come not, write not, think not once of me,
  Nor share one pang of all I felt for thee.
  Thy oaths I quit, thy memory resign;
  Forget, renounce me, hate whate'er was mine.
  Fair eyes, and tempting looks (which yet I view!)
  Long lov'd, ador'd ideas, all adieu!
  Oh Grace serene! oh virtue heav'nly fair!
  Divine oblivion of low-thoughted care!
  Fresh blooming hope, gay daughter of the sky!
  And faith, our early immortality!
  Enter, each mild, each amicable guest;
  Receive, and wrap me in eternal rest!

    See in her cell sad Eloisa spread,
  Propp'd on some tomb, a neighbour of the dead.
  In each low wind methinks a spirit calls,
  And more than echoes talk along the walls.
  Here, as I watch'd the dying lamps around,
  From yonder shrine I heard a hollow sound.
  "Come, sister, come!" (it said, or seem'd to say)
  "Thy place is here, sad sister, come away!
  Once like thyself, I trembled, wept, and pray'd,
  Love's victim then, though now a sainted maid:
  But all is calm in this eternal sleep;
  Here grief forgets to groan, and love to weep,
  Ev'n superstition loses ev'ry fear:
  For God, not man, absolves our frailties here."

    I come, I come! prepare your roseate bow'rs,
  Celestial palms, and ever-blooming flow'rs.
  Thither, where sinners may have rest, I go,
  Where flames refin'd in breasts seraphic glow:
  Thou, Abelard! the last sad office pay,
  And smooth my passage to the realms of day;
  See my lips tremble, and my eye-balls roll,
  Suck my last breath, and catch my flying soul!
  Ah no—in sacred vestments may'st thou stand,
  The hallow'd taper trembling in thy hand,
  Present the cross before my lifted eye,
  Teach me at once, and learn of me to die.
  Ah then, thy once-lov'd Eloisa see!
  It will be then no crime to gaze on me.
  See from my cheek the transient roses fly!
  See the last sparkle languish in my eye!
  Till ev'ry motion, pulse, and breath be o'er;
  And ev'n my Abelard be lov'd no more.
  O Death all-eloquent! you only prove
  What dust we dote on, when 'tis man we love.

    Then too, when fate shall thy fair frame destroy,
  (That cause of all my guilt, and all my joy)
  In trance ecstatic may thy pangs be drown'd,
  Bright clouds descend, and angels watch thee round,
  From op'ning skies may streaming glories shine,
  And saints embrace thee with a love like mine.

    May one kind grave unite each hapless name,
  And graft my love immortal on thy fame!
  Then, ages hence, when all my woes are o'er,
  When this rebellious heart shall beat no more;
  If ever chance two wand'ring lovers brings
  To Paraclete's white walls and silver springs,
  O'er the pale marble shall they join their heads,
  And drink the falling tears each other sheds;
  Then sadly say, with mutual pity mov'd,
  "Oh may we never love as these have lov'd!"

  From the full choir when loud Hosannas rise,
  And swell the pomp of dreadful sacrifice,
  Amid that scene if some relenting eye
  Glance on the stone where our cold relics lie,
  Devotion's self shall steal a thought from Heav'n,
  One human tear shall drop and be forgiv'n.
  And sure, if fate some future bard shall join
  In sad similitude of griefs to mine,
  Condemn'd whole years in absence to deplore,
  And image charms he must behold no more;
  Such if there be, who loves so long, so well;
  Let him our sad, our tender story tell;
  The well-sung woes will soothe my pensive ghost;
  He best can paint 'em, who shall feel 'em most.

自从那年的一部《成为马尔可维奇》令人拍案惊奇之后，好莱坞就似乎特别喜欢研究人脑玩了，虽然我对科幻片一向没有特别的喜爱，但是随口数得过来的拿人脑来说事的也有好几部。除了科技发展到可以把一个人送进另一个人的大脑中去以外，最典型的是刚刚看完的《记忆裂痕》里，本 阿弗莱特的大脑像一块黑板一样被人擦来擦去，最长的一次甚至要擦去三年的记忆，然后他再给自己留下无数线索，向玩闯关游戏一样，在三年后把线索拿出来挨个揭破。

我想我一辈子也不会去当什么间谍或者科学家，因此这样的电影，一向不过是看看热闹，学习点新概念而已。但是这一部《暖暖内含光》却是不同，同样是消除记忆的故事，却是普通的一对男女，分手了，每日里孤单单的拿着个叫做记忆的东西不知怎么办好，于是就选了个科学的法子，一前一后的跑去洗脑，无论如何，只要快点远离那痛苦就好。我看着这样的剧情介绍，竟然一时间有些动容，心里头冒出歪念，如果科学真可以进步如此，岂不是从此可以尽情的疯去，再也不怕那爱情带来的千疮百孔了？

于是一有机会，就忙不迭的找来看了，结果却并不是想像中带着微微喜色的故事，相反，笼罩着人心的，却是淡淡的伤感。远离了好莱坞式的明色重彩，金凯利消瘦的脸上从头至尾笼罩着一层异国情调的灰色，和他满眼的忧郁纠集在一起，让人看了心酸，我开始怀疑这个电影的导演不是好莱坞教育起来的，于是跑去IMDB上查找，果然，麦克尔 加德纳，一个法国出生，法国长大的小子，学过艺术，出过长篇，可就是没学过电影。既然如此，那么这部电影被好莱坞所抛弃也就不足为奇了，好在我们现在有网络，有DVD市场，好在人们都记得曾经为爱过不能忘的岁月。

克莱门汀的头发真是五颜六色啊，那是电影里最鲜亮的色彩，但却都是冷冷的，冷冷的蓝，冷冷的橙，走在冷冷的海边，不带帽子的时候，就是被海风吹乱的满头满脑的寂寞，别人的寂寞都是藏着的，她的寂寞却是这样的扎着眼，也不是不甘心，她只是不怕全世界都知道。后来乔尔说，她的样子真酷，我想也许他是觉得她为他说出了藏在他内心深处的寂寞。于是他们一起吃饭，然后做爱，有时候爱情真的很简单，一个人爱上另外一个人，就只因为她顶了一脑袋的绿头发。

后来我们知道，这样的一头绿发，这样的海边，只是乔尔最终要从记忆里抹去的场景之一，除此以外，他还要抹去关于克莱门汀的一切记忆，好的坏的，以及她红的绿的和蓝色的头发。爱情是个坏东西，它带给我们的伤痛总是比幸福多而且更深刻，分手的时候，为了这伤痛就像瘤子一样如影随形的附着在我们的身体里，时不时的就冒出来钻心的疼一下。让人恨不得一刀将它割了去。

这样的感觉，每个人都有过的吧，所以当我们看到乔尔拎了大袋的克莱门汀的东西跑去诊所，我们的心陪着他一起黯然，但却没有人能够说他做得不对，毕竟她已经忘记他，她用陌生的眼光看着他，那么他还要记得她做什么？

但是，忘记真的就那么好么？当他真正开始一点点的消除关于她的记忆，在他生命中的那些美好的往事就一一的浮现出来，只是幸福的感觉总是不如痛苦更切肤，他要忘记那痛，于是也想不起来曾经有过的快乐而已。直到这一天这一刻，当他躺在床上，眼睁睁的看着自己记忆里的她正在消失，一盏盏灯灭掉，一间间屋子倒掉，他才明白，原来她是他生命中最重要的一部分，忘记她，等于忘掉他自己。

真的要忘记么？忘记两个孤单的人一起相依为命的日子，一起在海边吃野餐，忘记躺在冰冻的河上看星星，一起在夜晚去探险。忘记自己曾经深深的爱付出过的感情，也忘记自己曾经被人爱。这所有的一切，都是曾经的青春岁月，都是自己曾经做为一个可爱的人活在这个世界上的证据，如果真的忘记了，记忆难道不就是只空匣子而已，掏空了，也就没有了曾经认真活过的证据。

仅仅消除记忆是不够的，所谓命中注定，就是当杀死了每个关于她的脑细胞后，你再遇她，依然会为她深深的吸引，科学是粗鲁的东西，它能做得也只是杀杀脑细胞而已，但是爱情，却不仅仅是大脑的事。我们用的是我们的心，我们的每一毛孔都会渗透着另一个人的气味，假如身体也有记忆，皮肤也有记忆，那么又用什么办法来将它们一一杀死呢？没有方法，于是乔尔又一次莫名其妙的来到和克莱门汀相遇的海边和她有一次相遇，于是他们再次相爱，她即便不是他命中注定的那一个人，适合他的，也是她那一种类型的女子。他再爱，再怎么兜兜转转一拜百次也是一样的结果，无非是找到另外一个克莱门汀而已，躲也没有用。

考夫曼这个家伙还是温暖的，也许有些发冷的只是麦克尔 嘉德纳的镜头，他们给了这个故事一个美好的结局，不算大团圆，但总是留有了一丝希望，两个人发现真相之后，终于决定在一起再走一段，这是个开放式的结尾，一切都还没有结束，结局就在遥远的将来，未必是我们所盼望的那样。但无论如何，旧的记忆随风而逝，新的记忆开始累计。如果有一天，他们真的决定离开彼此。即便是痛苦，我希望他们中的任何一个人，都不要放弃，曾经真心爱过的岁月。

要怎么去说记忆这种神奇的东西。
有时候，怎么逃也逃不掉。有时候，怎么找也找不到。
擅长忘记的，可以轻易一爱再爱。非黑即白，越陷越深，连自己都不想再记得。

这个故事，关于记忆，关于爱与恨，关于本能。

她洗清了关于他的一切记忆。
捧着情人节礼物，面对不记得自己的女友。他失望彷徨甚至愤怒。
既然你可以忘记，为什么我不能呢？
当他拎着两大袋子的关于她的物品坐在医院的椅子上，脸上写满了害怕和不安的成年男子，那刻看起来像一个被迫要去打防疫针的孩童。

医生说，别怕，不过会像宿醉一样，梦醒了，就什么都不知道了。
他躺在那里，开始做一个长长的梦，从争吵分开，一幕幕，到你侬我侬，到甜如蜜。他开始不舍，他用尽一切力量，拉着她奔跑，试图逃离回忆清洗。逃不掉，就只好用力醒来。醒不过来就只好隐匿。他带她回到儿时，回到那些他从不肯说出口的尴尬回忆中。她大笑，她得到前所未有的安慰。她一直要的不过是这些，只有她知道的糗事坏事不开心的事。
那一刻，他变成穿着超人衣服的小少年，而她是戴着粉红帽子小公主一般的小人儿。她牵着他的手，将这个懦弱善良的小孩带离那些叛逆小孩的身边。
他躲在桌子下边，说为什么妈妈还不来找我。她喊着他的名字，叫醒他，别哭别哭，我们成功了，我们逃离了程序。

我无法不动容。
曾经看《旋转木马哗啦啦》——他站在那里，望着那群堵住她的机车男孩，然后走过去牵着她的手，如一个王子。
看到这里，一个人躲在跺的高高的书架后面，哭的稀里哗啦。
每个人都有软肋。
小雅说，她的软肋是：他突然出现说，我只是想你了。
而我的软肋是：他伸出手说，跟我走。

可惜，他们没有逃过。
一幕幕都被清洗掉，终到了他们见面的那一天。在阴天的海边，她绿色的头发，橙色的外套，坐在他的身边，不经同意拿起他的鸡块就吃。
她问：就快到时间了，我们怎么办。
他说：那就好好享受吧。

如果我终于要忘记你，那么在忘记的前一刻，让我们道声珍重，好好再见。
不过，她不甘心，最后说一句：要找我。

他们就这样消失在人海中，不复再见了吗？
故事回到开头。
每天上班，每天下班，生活无趣的中年男子。突然有一天，挤上火车，去了一个他觉得似乎必须要去的地方。
那个阴天的海边，有一个蓝灰色头发的女子。

一切都是注定。
你会爱谁，不是老天决定的，是你自己决定的。那个谁，会是你当时当刻的镜子。
电影里，邓斯特演的女秘书，在记忆被清洗之后，再次爱上了已婚的老板。
她泪流满面。他说，我们已经爱过一次了，然后我帮你洗去了记忆。
从此之后，她成了坚定的反记忆清洗者。她把每个客户的资料寄回给他们，让他们知道，那是多么蠢的事。听听那些咒骂对方的话吧。谁都会惊诧，我怎么会说过这样的蠢话。

凯特演的克莱门汀。
她说：我不过是一个追求简单内心混乱的女子。
这世界有很多这样非黑即白的女子。
她们很容易爱上约耳那样的男子。
他说：我的人生很平淡，我的人生全是空白。blank，blank。
于是，她用所有的生命热量，所有爱的情趣来点燃这个男人。
他们注定会相爱。
可是也注定会争吵。

因为，她以为“除了爱情，我什么都不要，为什么你还要这样吝啬分享。”那种无法参与他的人生的无力感，令她们暴躁，令她们不安。
不安的吼：我什么都告诉你，为什么你不让我了解你？
可是，谁又能真正了解谁，谁又能真正拯救谁呢？
我们需要的只是爱，只是爱而已。
我是为了爱你而出现，不是为了了解你而出现的。
简单的爱，本能的爱，让彼此一起活出光与热的爱。

这部电影我很想很想很想和她一起看，但是已经没有机会了。

我第一次看这部电影是在两个月前。那是我回国前的倒数第二天，我们吵架，我没有陪她去逛商场。我远远地看着她远去的背影，心里有些悸动，想道歉，但却一走了之。。。百无聊赖我无意在一堆ＤＶＤ中翻到了这部电影，放进ＤＶＤ，然后边看边哭。我知道我当时很过分，我知道自己不能再这样下去这么践踏我们的感情了，我知道应该改变自己了，我想道歉，我想学会如何去爱。但结果晚上回来，我们又吵架，我当时只觉得心里委屈，什么都不顾一走了之，结果什么都没改变，第二天道了别，我回了国，她留了下来。。。

我知道她会看到我写的东西的，我还是希望她能考完试后去看看这部电影，虽然我很想陪她一起看，但我知道那实现不了。

今天又看了一遍，没别的意思，只是希望把眼泪快点流干。是我做错了什么还是她做错了什么，我们两个人都有不同的理解。在交往中我们的矛盾在不知不觉中越积越多，终会达到饱和的那一天。这一切我都意识到了，我知道那些矛盾，我只是从来没有说出口，可能是不敢把。在我们结束我们的关系之前，我很想让她给我一次机会，我很想让她把她的豆瓣日志再重新都看一遍，我很想。。。但有些话说了就改变不了什么了，我知道，但只是心不甘。记得有一次和她听阿桑的叶子，她对我说你不再是一个人了。现如今我又是一个人了。

说到电影，我最喜欢的演员金凯利在银幕上塑造了一个跟我十分相似的角色，羞涩的，不善言谈的感情脆弱的男人。讲爱情的电影逃不出几个固定的套路，这部片子是其中的一个。当两个人相爱时，每天在一起吃饭睡觉吵架，当分别时，为什么会那么痛苦不舍，为什么想弥补为什么想重新开始。在幕后采访时，金凯利表示他塑造了一个和他平时出演的角色性格完全相反的角色是为了表现这个普通平常但是现象极其普遍的主题，人在相爱时忘乎所以，失去时才倍感珍惜。影片想传达的意思很简单，就像结尾唱的那样Everybody's gotta learn sometime.　每个人在感情中都要学会一些东西，否则结局不会很美满。回忆是那么宝贵，没有过去的人也不会有将来。这是一部很经典的催泪片，至少我这样认为。

爱情像做围城，进去的想出来，出来的想进去。当我没谈恋爱时，我觉得很奇怪为什么有些恋人总吵架，为什么总吵架还谈恋爱；当我谈恋爱时，我觉得很奇怪为什么谈恋爱如此甜蜜会吵架；当我谈恋爱时间长了时，我觉得很奇怪为什么我们开始吵架；当我不谈恋爱时，我觉得很奇怪为什么难道我们谈恋爱是为了吵架么。。。直到最后才发现自己其实还是个孩子，对感情还是什么都不懂，当我意识到自己是哪里不对时，当我发现多少次我自私地为了一时的冲动有多么狠心时，当我记得多少次我因为各种理由不管不顾的伤害她的心时，一切都晚了，后悔多少次也晚了。我的一个好朋友跟我说，“当现实跟过去大相径庭，没有人不会后悔，没有人不会回忆。”这话我很赞同。

于是乎很多人还是过上了很厌恶的好几年不找对象直到了是谈婚论嫁的年龄害怕光棍或守寡随便找了一个谈了几个月甚至几周闪电结婚然后挣钱做饭洗衣粉生孩子的单调乏味生活。

我没什么资格谈这些东西，我感情上懂的不是那么多，只是有一些感悟罢了。在我加冠的年龄我已经是个不大不小的老男孩了，失败过两次，每次散场的时候都互相说将来做好朋友。我和第一个女朋友分开了一年，最近同学聚过几次会，我们到现在还是一句话都没有说过。我很想改变这一切，只是我还有些尴尬和懦弱。至于第二个我更是希望能做很好的朋友，直到我们很老很老。我自己的问题其实很多，我比较了解自己，但也有些地方不了解。跟我关系很好的几个朋友都用一个字形容我，艮。我从来笑笑，从来不在意，直到我最近才慢慢懂得这个字对于我的意义，那就是不妥协，不用心。受到电影的启示，我决定改变自己，但我没有。因为懒惰么，或是因为自己的本性难改么，想说借口的话其实可以说很多。。。我是个不善于表达，或者是不屑于表达又羞于表达的人。在相处时我们俩究竟有什么问题我其实都知道，但我没有说，更没有改，直到我因此而自作自受。有些时候明知道做的不对不好却总是用“我将来会为此收到报应的”“这都是我自找的”来麻痹自己去从不去改变，直到对自己的诅咒实现了，我才发现原来自己吞不下这恶果。对自己曾经的高估自大如今却是无比痛恨。我一直以为自己坚强，却不能面对这个突如其来的挫折。我没跟我的朋友说这件事，但是她对我说了一些她想说的话，“什么样的人能犯什么样的错误，我可是用了一年的代价才深刻认识到这个事，你最让我欣赏的就是你的低调，我喜欢村上春树的小说是因为我发现里面所有的主角都跟你特别像。不过还是回到生活吧，好好对你身边的人，别伤到他们。”现在对我说这些话，我很感动又无奈造化弄人。我伤害过特别多的人，经历过这段感情我才意识到，我真的无比内疚，却也于事无补。我还依稀记得在从前无论我碰到生活中的任何苦辣酸甜我都轻轻对自己说C'est la vie，这就是生活。但我已经记不得最后一次这样做是什么时候了，反正已经是很久之前了。人总是在变的。

相爱的人总会受对方的感染而有一些变化，有些时候会让人感到惊喜，有些时候会让人感到甜蜜，有些时候会让人感到盲从，有些时候会让人感到陌生。。。而我呢。我说不清。但我喜欢这种受她的影响的改变，尽管不是很多，但是我很开心，我还是希望我以这样的方式活下去，但是一切都过去了，我会每天祈祷，我知道我很痴心。

这段感情我们都投入很多，得到很多失去很多。现在我一点也不后悔，我重新学会感恩，我很开心能碰到和我志同道合的人演绎了一段故事，虽然我不确定她是否也这样想。

在影片的结尾，被洗过脑的男女主角重新来过。但电影毕竟不是生活，爱过的人覆水难收。但不论怎样，生活还得继续。每天依然还得跑步打球，惦记晚饭是吃饭还是吃面，思考将来要干什么，纠结还学不学日语，想办法怎么弄走家里满地乱趴的蟑螂。。。分手后，我还得对自己的未来重新打算。

大三出国的事也不用想了，对我已经无所谓了。
三年后毕业也不能陪她读研找房子办身份了，还是按我最初的打算回国把。
既然回国了，二外又得很有用，又得按照最初的打算数学法语双专业了。
既然要继续学法语了，下学期的经济课还得换成法语写作。
。。。。。。。。

曾经想在异国他乡实现的梦想那个只对她一个人说过的梦想现在对我已经没有意义了。对我来说，现在只剩下最重要的个人的生活原则要捡起来不能丢：随遇而安；做自己该做的事；交朋友交配交的人。我要珍惜这一切，至少我还拥有现在。

既然爱了就不要怕受伤。也许曾经拥有总是要比未曾拥有好。我不要再悲伤。

不论过了多少年，我会一直记得那个秋日校园的落叶，downtown和双城里两个孩子手牵手四处驻足留下的脚印，佛罗里达宜人的沙滩和清爽的海风，还有最重要的那个陪我看书写字吃饭说话大笑流泪的女孩，我永远不会忘记。












我想对深爱的热恋的闹僵的吵架的情侣们说，好好珍惜你眼前的人，不要让ＴＡ成为你的习惯，用心去爱，勇于承担责任不要计较谁对谁错，尝试改变自己。有些事情很微妙，两个甜言蜜语的人会立刻分道扬镳只因为哪一句错话或哪一件错事，失去时定会追悔莫及。。。

这不是一篇影评，很散也很乱。我感谢那些认真读完这些文字的人，真的谢谢你们听完我这无力的诉说。

最后祝天下有情人终成眷属。

 8/4/09